I had a literal calling to midwifery. One morning, during a time when I was struggling to find my path in life, I awoke to an actual audible whisper. "Midwife." Simple, yet absolute. The unexplainable part is I had no idea what a midwife was! I actually had to look it up in the dictionary. I read the descriptions and thought, "I wonder if there are still such things as midwives? If there are, that's exactly what I want to do!"  I went to the library and amongst the usual medicalized pregnancy books, I discovered a book that changed my life, "Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May Gaskin. One glance and I knew midwives still existed - and it was my destiny. 
    A couple months later, my husband and I packed up everything we owned and moved from our native Kansas to Albuquerque so I could become a midwife. I attended my first birth in 1998. It was a glorious homebirth with a second-time mom. When I arrived, she was laughing and joking with her husband. I thought she must not be that far along in her labor but not more than 10 minutes later, she calmly breathed her baby out without even pushing! The atmosphere was calm, joyful, and relaxed...not at all what I expected for a birth! This birth solidified my path towards becoming a midwife. I attended several homebirths, each as peaceful as the last, before I attended my first hospital birth as a doula. During that birth, the mom moaned my name over and over in agony throughout her 40+hour labor. I wondered why her birth was so different from the homebirths I had seen. 
    To date I have attended more than 500 births: in homes, birth centers, and hospitals. I worked as a private doula for about 200 of those births, working mostly in the hospital while teaching birthing classes. This experience taught me many things. I learned how to help a woman through labor without using clinical skills and only emotional and physical support. I learned the intimate dance of labor and how to prepare a woman to birth victoriously. As the birthing family's advocate, I learned how to help mothers and their family get the birth they want, even in a hospital environment. Mostly I learned what women need, and what they don't need, to birth safely and beautifully.  
    I went to Jamaica and worked as a volunteer midwife in an under-served area. The lessons learned there have forever changed how I midwife women. What I saw time and time again were women who labored for 4 or 5 hours, calmly walked over to the delivery room, pushed 3 times and the baby came smoothly out. After about the tenth time that happened, I started wondering what these women were doing that allowed for what seemed to be an easy time.  I started observing closely to see what I could figure out. 
    The women would start walking towards the hospital at the moment of their first surge (And believe me, many women did not make it there in time, including a woman who birthed twins in the back of a taxi cab!) Then they went into a communal labor room with about 10 beds and usually at least 4 or 5 other women. At first I thought, "How awful! Completely inhumane!" But then I started noticing that the women would pair up with another woman who had the opposite surge pattern. They would support each other in between their own surges, rub each other's back, give each other encouragement, and were always joking and laughing with one another. Women are so strong aren't they? They were told when they were ready to push the baby out, to come across the hall to the delivery room. Even first time moms were never wrong. Only 2 or 3 women pushed for longer than 20 minutes. The nurse once told me (insert Jamaican accent here) "Push for more dan 20 minutes? That's crazy. A lady push longa dan 20 minutes, someting is wrong!" and then it became "You mean in America you ladies push for 2 hours? What be wrong wit ya den? (shaking head) 2 hours..."
    The questioning in my mind continued. Why were births in American hospitals so different? Why were births in Jamaica so consistantly almost effortless? In working as a doula in a hospital I saw labors that weren't meansured in hours but days. Contrast that with a woman who was having twins in Jamaica (she didn't know it was twins). Her first baby was literally born with no effort from her, like the baby just pushed herself out. The second came breech, easy and uncomplicated just 9 minutes later, also with no effort from the mom. 
    I slowly started to realize that these women really knew nothing about the labor process and decided I needed to "remedy" that with some childbirth education classes. Those didn't go over so well because the women were sort of like, "Why do we want to know this? Our bodies know what they are doing." I had woman after woman tell me that they had only heard good birth stories and what was there to be afraid of anyway? I asked one of the nurses about this and she told me that in their culture, you weren't supposed to share a bad or scary birth story because it might cause women to fear birth. AH-HA! Fear influences birth more than anything. 
        When it came time for me to have my first baby, I knew after what I had seen in both home and hospital births that homebirth was for me. I wanted my instinct to be respected, my husband to be supported, and my baby to be treated with dignity. I had a beautiful, mostly painless birth with my first daughter. For most of the labor, it was just my husband and I and I progressed quickly. Very late in labor, fear began to creep in and with it, discomfort. I pushed before I should have, instead of waiting for my body to push for me. What I really needed was someone to talk to me calmly who's only job was to encourage me...I had needed a doula! When my daughter finally emerged (after 2 hours, ha!), we all realized the reason for the length, and the discomfort. She had never rotated her head, and thus the largest circumference was presenting instead of the smallest. I later learned that over 98% of moms with a baby in this position will have a cesarean. I theorized that the other 2% had had homebirths! Because I birthed at home, in my own environment, with the use of a birthing tub, able to move into whatever position my body needed, I was able to birth her that way in only 8 hours from the first surge. 
    A few weeks after her birth, I felt postpartum depression set in. I loved my baby more than anything but I felt that a massive weight was constantly on my shoulders. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. I would wake up in the morning with the intention of doing just 1 load of laundry but be unable to do it. For the first time in my life, I felt anxious and nervous all the time. All of these are classic symptoms of postpartum depression. I even went to a doctor to discuss my symptoms. He had no idea what to do with me...none. He'd obviously never seen a woman with postpartum depression. He nervously wrote out a presciption and finally on the third time I asked him, he decided to go check and see if it was really OK for a breastfeeding mom. He came back in and ripped my prescription up, writing me out a new one. He wished me luck. As I was filling the prescription (and I never take prescription medications), the pharmacist asked me if I was breastfeeding then said that I shouldn't take that medication either. I remember distinctly that he covered my hand with his and looked me in the eyes. He said, "I know you want what's best for you and your baby and medication isn't the answer. Did you know the studies show medication rarely works for moms with postpartum depression?" He then kindly outlined a program of exercise and positive affirmations and wished me luck. I felt he meant it. 
    I decided then and there that no one and nothing was going to help me but me. I started walking every day for 60 minutes and saying positive affirmations while I walked. "I am happy, relaxed, and confident." "I feel anxiety leaving my body." "I am filled with love and tranquility." It wasn't a magic pill and it took time but I began to feel that I was literally digging myself out of a hole and day by day I felt better and better. 
    I took this same approach when it came time for my second daughter's birth. I prepared by spending an hour or so every day ridding myself of negative thoughts and images regarding birth and replacing them with positive. I created a cocoon that strangely seemed to be respected by everyone I came into contact with, even strangers. I practiced relaxing my body deeply and visualized my birth exactly as I wanted it to happen. Of course I planned another homebirth and this time I asked my midwife to basically sit in the corner. I wanted my husband to be my main support and I had my doula and midwifery assistant, Camella, as well in case I needed someone to talk to me again. I told my midwife I wanted to be my own midwife but I still needed her there "just in case." 2 weeks past my due date, even I amazed myself at my patience. My baby knew what time was best. With my first pregnancy, I had allowed myself to be miserable and I felt that I was overdue, even though she was born on her due date. With my second pregnancy, positive affirmations kept me comfortable to the very end. 
    I had been feeling surges every evening for at least 2 weeks. My husband told me he was headed to the store just as I was getting in the bathtub. As soon as I heard the door shut I felt what I knew was the first surge of my labor. And he hadn't taken the cell phone either. Camella came over briefly, just to check on me but I was enjoying my alone time. My oldest daughter (then 3 1/2) was with me as well and she seemed to know just what to do. She told me "Now close your eyes Mama, and be soft." My labor progressed quickly once my husband got home. A little less than 4 hours after that first surge, I felt the first strong urge to push. I had told myself that I absolutely wasn't going to push unless my body did it for me. I held back on the first one thinking, "It can't be time yet!" But the very next surge my body strongly protested and I felt what it feels like for your body to be in charge of your birth. Just then, my midwife came in quietly and calmly and said "That looks like a good urge to push. Just what you were wanting..." Less than 5 minutes later, I felt her head come into my hands and her body quickly followed. My husband and I both helped scoop her out of the water, both of us being the first ones to touch her.    
      Through all of my experiences, including my own 2 home waterbirths, I have a deep trust for every woman's innate ability to birth their babies safely and with power. My wish is for you to feel the same empowerment that I felt when I birthed my own baby into my hands!